I’m pretty sure that even as I age, I remember it right. And what I’m sure of is that I did not think anything about what it would take to raise kids. During my pregnancy all I could focus on was healthy, normal, boy, girl, what’s going on inside me this week, when will it move, is it moving enough, what does he/she look like, when’s the due date & can we move it up.
When it came to kids issues, I was still worried about my own issues and at that stage when it came to babies, it was diaper changing and bathing that freaked me out. After all what else is there?
So I got into motherhood, probably the same way a lot of us do, focusing on me and not giving a whole lot of thought into what was to be. What I had yet to realize is that my issues, my life would fade in comparison to their issues and their lives. That’s a rather brilliant part of motherhood, allowing your own selfishness to sink in order to pour yourself into your child.
For me the hardest part about a new baby is bringing them home from the hospital. It shocked me that while they seemed to sleep so happily at the hospital, once home they immediately went on guard, awake and screaming. And hungry! The key to helping your milk come in faster is malt, so splurge! At some point from the first baby to the fifth, I just gave up that first night or two and rocked the baby...bonding. It was less frustrating I think for both of us!
On to toddlerhood where uh-oh what are we going to do about discipline? Hadn’t entirely thought that one out, but you gotta have some guidelines, they don’t know anything until you teach them. So not wanting them to begin a life of running rampant we worked on a discipline structure that fit for both my husband and me. Now we’ve done a lot of altering to that along the way, but we never under estimated the importance of discipline. Two important thoughts here...we must be fairly consistent in identifying the crime and administering the punishment...and we gotta agree. Nothing worse than arguing with your husband about when and how to discipline when something needs to be done fast. And we certainly didn’t want them to see us struggling with that,
During the grade school years, it was hard for me to understand how they could be perfect little angels at school and hellions when they got home. I wanted to share a little bit at least in their good side! But I had to understand that being good in school for eight hours around other kids that might not have been so good was hard work. They were tired when they got home and I had to learn to give them a little bit of room to act out.
The thing about middle school and the pre-teen years I’ve found is that it’s just plain an awkward age. Kids are developing at all kinds of crazy rates, too fast, too slow, their moods and emotions are at a fever pitch and the road can once again be rocky. They are changing, everyone around them is changing, and the way they look at things is changing. And to me this is why you’ve paid attention from their babyhood all the way to now. Now they need your love and security, but in a much more private and subtle way. I’ve always tried to respect their relationships and not try to embarrass them around their friends. I know parents who want to be their kids best friends and keep tight tabs on them, but I’ve found it works better to be a bit elusive. Let them come to you and when they do, be interested, engage.
There are a lot of things to think about when it comes to high school and again I do believe that success depends so much on the foundation you’ve been building until now. Do your kids know who they are? What your family stands for? Do they know why some decisions are bad and some are good? Hopefully they have pride in themselves and strength in that pride! That is a beautiful thing to see in a teenager. I’ve heard it said and I believe it completely that the books you read and the people you associate with will make you into who you are. So that’s what I watch. And that’s what I do too. Pour in the positive and hang out with people with character. Set an example you want them to follow, because it’s not so much what you say, but what you do.
I’m still struggling with exactly when a child turns into an adult, but I know when they do the hardest and most important thing will be to let them go, let them struggle and let them live their own life. We always think that we can save them and I think we can help them along the way, but the struggle is an important part to shaping their character, their determination and how hard they work in their life. If we continue to helicopter parent, they will always need us to hover. When they’re ready to leave, they should also be ready to achieve.
We begin our relationships with our children in love and I think the key to all stages of their life is to show them that love, love them through the hard times, the good times. Share what you know along the way without the lecture. Love them more, bad or good. Discipline in love. Teach in love. Live in love. Because we all want to be loved and we will be drawn to those who love us most.
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