The rest of the family is in the car, ready to go home after a visit with the grandparents.
“Billy, we are leaving now, you need to get in the car.”
“No!” comes the defiant reply with arms folded across his chest.
Your blood boils and although you want to yell, “You get over here right now, mister, or else!”, you know it will make the drive home miserable and leave a sour note on an otherwise nice day. You take a deep breath and refocus on what you want instead of what you’re getting and say,
“Hey Billy, would you like to jump on both feet, one foot, or walk backwards with me to the car?”
One of our most important jobs as a parent is helping children learn to govern themselves. When parents provide a good mix of boundaries and freedom, children learn to act responsibly on their own – even when you are not around.
But how do you cultivate such responsibility? It is all about offering choices within selected situations and occasions. There are two keys to freedom and choice with elementary school age children: 1) the ranges of choices are based on your family values, rules and boundaries – not your child’s demands; 2) be mindful of your child’s own personality and level of maturity as you decide how frequently you offer choices and how much freedom to allow.
Here are a few ideas to get you started in cultivating responsible choices and freedom.
Stacks of Snacks
How great would it be to no longer hear the “Mom, I’m hungry!” distress signal – just moments after you’ve sat down to relax. Dedicate a shelf in the pantry or basket on the counter labeled “Snack Time”. Let kids make their choice among the parent approved snacks and have an agreed upon number of snacks per day. Keep it simple by having plastic cups, bowls and plates in easy to reach places so kids can handle snacks on their own from start to finish.
Getting Dressed Not Stressed
As kids get older, they want to have more control over what they wear to school. Sometimes this creates unnecessary tension and gets everyone off to a rough start for the day. Designate a portion of your child’s closet and drawers for “school clothes”. This way, they have freedom to choose their outfits and still meet your expectations and the school dress code. Really, is it going to kill them (or you) if they don’t match perfectly today?
Fail Forward
While it makes sense that homework gets done early in the afternoon or evening, some kids won’t understand the value of such a routine until they’ve experienced a missing assignment. Try giving your child some more freedom and responsibility if you find that they push the limit (and your buttons) when it comes to homework time. If they procrastinate – don’t rescue them. Let them experience the natural consequences of their behavior. Afterwards, have a candid conversation about what happened, without the “I told you so”, and have them recommit to a homework routine that has them feeling good about themselves and getting their work done on time.
My Space
Bedrooms are personal spaces and yet, parents have every right to set boundaries around how clean this area of the house needs to be. Offer your child some choices as to when and how they maintain their room. “You can clean your bedroom tonight before you go to bed or in the morning as long as you understand that it needs to be done before soccer practice,” or “Your bedroom needs to be cleaned today, which will you tackle first - picking up your toys, your clothes or your books?” gives them a bit of freedom where they otherwise might feel suffocated.
Technology Time
Putting a limit on the amount of TV and computer time your child has is a great way to cultivate responsible freedom. Make sure your child is clear on what shows and websites are appropriate for them. Have them set a timer for the determined number of minutes each time they sit down for technology time – putting them in charge of turning it off too.
Focused Intention
Focus on what you want as an end result and look to see what choices you can offer within reach of that goal. For example: your child wants to have juice and toast for breakfast and you know their body needs protein too. Saying something like, “Which protein can I get you to go with your juice and toast… an egg, string cheese, yogurt, or nuts?” gives them a subtle boundary to work within.
The ability to self govern is a critical life skill that doesn’t come without practice and patience. The opportunity to choose responsibly and have some freedom while they are young and safe will prepare them for bigger and harder choices down the road.
Prior to becoming a transformational coach, Karen Nowicki was a teacher, asst. principal and vice president for public and charter schools. Karen is the founder of the www.MotherDaughterWeekends.com and the author of Maddie Moonbeam’s Garden. Karen lives in Chandler, AZ with her husband and three children. For more with Karen, sign up for her free newsletter atwww.apeacefulintegration.com.
